getting lost in my thoughts..18 weeks 4 days

So yesterday we got the results from my quad screening back. Everything came back low. Except for one. Frederick has a 2.7% chance of being born with nueral tube defect. I know 2.7 seems low. But when you get another result like .01 it just feels high. And it doesn't help that she said I'm now high risk and they are going to have to monitor me every 2 weeks. She just freaked me out. And I spent my afternoon yesterday crying and worried.
Today was when I was getting the call to schedule my appointment for them to get a better look and see if they are going to have to stick a needle in my belly for further test. It's now 0815. I've been laying here since 0630. Pretty much when my husband left. My body decided to completely disregard the fact that I haven't slept no more than 3 hrs. So I'm laying here after I get the call. Mentally preparing myself for my appointment tomorrow. And I feel confused. And sad. I know the blood test isn't a definite yes or no. But it tells you your chances. Just having the chance scares me. Knowing I'm at a higher risk of miscarriage now. I feel numb. The last time I honestly felt this way was every minute after my brother called me to tell me they pulled the plug on my dad. And he was dead. And just as I begin to get lost in that world again. I feel him move. My little baby. Swimming around in there. Without a care in the world. Has no clue what life might hold for him. But for right now he is comfy in his water bed and feeling good. He doesn't understand the possibilities that could lie ahead for us. But that little movement. That all to weird feeling. Makes me think. I'm still blessed. Even with the chances of something going completely wrong. I still have him. Which is a little further then most ppl have gotten. Whatever lies ahead for us. I'm gonna be appreciative. And no matter what he will be my blessing from grandpa.
But I'm praying tomorrow brings better news!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Yesterday made me home sick..

Yesterday March 2nd, 2011. Was my nephews first birthday. And I am not home to witness this day. And that made it a sad sad day for me. 2 people who rushed to the hospital when we heard he was on his way. With little to no sleep might I add. Weren't there to see him turn 1. Everyone reassures me 'its okay, you'll be here for his second' but will I really? We all were certain my dad would be here to see this day. And he isn't. A lot can happen in a year. I mean I pray nothing happens, I will be a new mother by the fall. The last thing I want is to be absent from my child's life. But after all this sadness. I got to thinking.

My nephew loved my dad. And my dad loved him more than life itself. Now I'm scared. I'm scared to go home with a brand new baby. And him grow up around all these amazing people, some not so much. And just like that. They are taken away from him. If our son is anything like me. He will get attached easily. And love with his whole heart all the way from the start. So knowing this, he is gonna hurt a lot. Sometimes I feel bad for starting a family so late. My father is gone, he couldn't hold on any longer to meet his other grandchildren. And my mother isn't too far behind if she continues to neglect her health. All the other adults are just old. Steven doesn't talk to his mother. So our kids won't be very attached to her. And his father lives in another country. It makes me sad to realize that my son won't be able to experience that grandma and grandpa love that we did as children. Although I saw my grandmothers more than grandfathers. They were still in the picture.

My dad was a great grandfather. He always wanted to hold and play with my nephew. I just want that for my son. But it breaks my heart knowing I won't have it. So as you can tell. Yesterday was a long day of thinking. And today is a day of sadness when I actually write my thoughts down.

Other than that. All is right in the world. I'll be 18 weeks pregnant tomorrow. And I love my new body. I may complain about it. But secretly I love it. I can't help but stare anywhere I can see my reflection. I love being pregnant!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Yesterday made me home sick..

Yesterday March 2nd, 2011. Was my nephews first birthday. And I am not home to witness this day. And that made it a sad sad day for me. 2 people who rushed to the hospital when we heard he was on his way. With little to no sleep might I add. Weren't there to see him turn 1. Everyone reassures me 'its okay, you'll be here for his second' but will I really? We all were certain my dad would be here to see this day. And he isn't. A lot can happen in a year. I mean I pray nothing happens, I will be a new mother by the fall. The last thing I want is to be absent from my child's life. But after all this sadness. I got to thinking.

My nephew loved my dad. And my dad loved him more than life itself. Now I'm scared. I'm scared to go home with a brand new baby. And him grow up around all these amazing people, some not so much. And just like that. They are taken away from him. If our son is anything like me. He will get attached easily. And love with his whole heart all the way from the start. So knowing this, he is gonna hurt a lot. Sometimes I feel bad for starting a family so late. My father is gone, he couldn't hold on any longer to meet his other grandchildren. And my mother isn't too far behind if she continues to neglect her health. All the other adults are just old. Steven doesn't talk to his mother. So our kids won't be very attached to her. And his father lives in another country. It makes me sad to realize that my son won't be able to experience that grandma and grandpa love that we did as children. Although I saw my grandmothers more than grandfathers. They were still in the picture.

My dad was a great grandfather. He always wanted to hold and play with my nephew. I just want that for my son. But it breaks my heart knowing I won't have it. So as you can tell. Yesterday was a long day of thinking. And today is a day of sadness when I actually write my thoughts down.

Other than that. All is right in the world. I'll be 18 weeks pregnant tomorrow. And I love my new body. I may complain about it. But secretly I love it. I can't help but stare anywhere I can see my reflection. I love being pregnant!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7