Yesterday made me home sick..

Yesterday March 2nd, 2011. Was my nephews first birthday. And I am not home to witness this day. And that made it a sad sad day for me. 2 people who rushed to the hospital when we heard he was on his way. With little to no sleep might I add. Weren't there to see him turn 1. Everyone reassures me 'its okay, you'll be here for his second' but will I really? We all were certain my dad would be here to see this day. And he isn't. A lot can happen in a year. I mean I pray nothing happens, I will be a new mother by the fall. The last thing I want is to be absent from my child's life. But after all this sadness. I got to thinking.

My nephew loved my dad. And my dad loved him more than life itself. Now I'm scared. I'm scared to go home with a brand new baby. And him grow up around all these amazing people, some not so much. And just like that. They are taken away from him. If our son is anything like me. He will get attached easily. And love with his whole heart all the way from the start. So knowing this, he is gonna hurt a lot. Sometimes I feel bad for starting a family so late. My father is gone, he couldn't hold on any longer to meet his other grandchildren. And my mother isn't too far behind if she continues to neglect her health. All the other adults are just old. Steven doesn't talk to his mother. So our kids won't be very attached to her. And his father lives in another country. It makes me sad to realize that my son won't be able to experience that grandma and grandpa love that we did as children. Although I saw my grandmothers more than grandfathers. They were still in the picture.

My dad was a great grandfather. He always wanted to hold and play with my nephew. I just want that for my son. But it breaks my heart knowing I won't have it. So as you can tell. Yesterday was a long day of thinking. And today is a day of sadness when I actually write my thoughts down.

Other than that. All is right in the world. I'll be 18 weeks pregnant tomorrow. And I love my new body. I may complain about it. But secretly I love it. I can't help but stare anywhere I can see my reflection. I love being pregnant!

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